Disclaimer: This entire web page was made totally without the consent of Emily Keating. She'll probably want you to know the following things:
  • Emily's life does involve llamas, high explosives, or celery in any major way.
  • Emily doesn't wish her head could shoot pasta or communicate with hamsters.
  • Not everyone who attends an all girls school is a lesbian. We're sure there are numerous reasons why a woman would do this that don't involve homosexuality. We just can't think of any.
  • Rednecks do not invade Sweet Briar and try to eat the lesbians' heads.
  • Emily thinks that the multi-pierced penis looks disgusting, not neat.
  • The picture of Emily's manager is actually a picture of Adolph Hitler.
  • Emily's store does not sell two-headed chickens.
  • Larry is not a cruel taskmaster.
  • Larry is not Emily's manager.
  • Larry's name is not Larry. It's Martha.
  • Larry does not force Emily to build rope bridges or scrub chickens.
  • Emily is actually quite happy that she dropped her outdoor skills class.
  • Cliff is the only one who believes in the existence of hairy inbred demon spawn in Emily's neighborhood, and he was drinking at the time.
  • Most people would claim that the Martians Cliff saw were mere street lights, and that their flying saucers were really just airplanes. Most people are fucking idiots.
  • Emily's friend's Martian boyfriend may not be a Martian. Only Cliff seems to feel that he is, and he doesn't even remember why.
  • The picture of Emily's anonymous friend is actually a picture of Cliff's right knee and arm. Use your fucking imagination. I'm sure she has a right arm and leg, probably very similar in design, too. Fucking ingrates.
  • Emily does not have a monkey up her ass. It's more like a steel pipe. Any way, she won't let Cliff use her anonymous friend's name because she's afraid her anonymous friend will see it, not because of her anal occupants.
  • Emily's anonymous friend's first initial is not "Q". It's "L". Cliff just thinks that the letter "Q" doesn't get enough attention.
  • The part about Emily's anonymous friend being a lesbian ninja biker hunchback nazi midget hooker with no hair is greatly exaggerated. Actually, it has absolutely no base in "reality". "Reality" has a monkey up its ass.
  • Emily does not worship Cliff the Mighty as a living god.
  • Emily does not think that everyone else should worship Cliff the Mighty as a living god.
  • Emily does not think that everyone should bring Cliff tacos and whiskey. Be rebellious and do it anyway.
  • Cliff the Mighty is ironically un-mighty.
  • Cliff's erect penis is actually about three inches, not one hundred and thirty eight feet.
  • It is wrong to be French.
  • This web page is not funny. It is stupid.
However, with those few exceptions, this entire page is absolute "fact".
A Tale of Llamas, High Explosives, and Celery
About my headHello, I'mEmily Keating. This is my head. It's pretty much just a normal head. I kinda wish that it had strange and fascinating powers, like the ability to shoot pasta hundreds of miles, or maybe the ability to summon hamsters. It doesn't.
I attend Sweet Briar, an all lesbian *ahem* "girls"college in Virginia. We are surrounded by insane rednecks. Sometimes the rednecks invade our dorm and try to eat our heads. I guess I should have seen that coming when I decided to go to school in Virginia. You may be wondering who the multi-pierced penis on the right belongs to. I don't know. I just put it in because I think it looks neat.About my school
About my jobI work at an anonymous store. It used to not be anonymous, but then i bitched at Cliff. That's my manager on the left. Her name is Larry. We sell some furniture and wallpaper, but mostly live two-headed chickens. Larry is a very cruel taskmaster. She makes me scrub the chickens all day long, because she says that no one likes a stinky chicken. Sometimes she makes me build rope bridges to find more chickens to clean, but I don't know how to build rope bridges because I dropped my outdoor skills class, against the advice of Cliff the Mighty.Boy, do I regret that now. Larry likes to open up many cans of wupp-ass on me.I had the chance to tell her off in August, and end my endless chicken-scrubbing personal hell, but I wussed out.
I live just outside Philadelphia. It's a fairly normal neighborhood, at least while the sun is out. However, once night falls many hairy inbred demon spawn roam the streets, hungry for the life blood of Cliff. It's true. Cliff saw them once. Also, there were these Martians, and he saw them too, and their flying saucers. I have a friend who's got a Martian for a boyfriend. Martians frighten me.About my home life
This is my anonymous friend. I won't let Cliff use her name because I have a monkey living up my ass. Her first initial is "Q". I like her a whole lot. You may be wondering what's so special about her. I think it's the fact that she's a lesbian ninja biker hunchback nazi midget hooker with no hair. You just don't see very much of that these days, you know?
The jackass on the right is Cliff the Mighty.I worship Cliff the Mighty as a living god. I think that everyone should worship him in this way and bring him tacos and maybe some whiskey, because he is quite mighty, and more importantly, he has a 138 foot long erect penis. He's the moron who designed this site, as well as Shaven Ferret Productions. It's ok to be french.About the jackass
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