Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum...

This used to be the home page of the Sacred Brotherhood of Cliff, a secret society that was neither secret, nor large enough to really be called a society. Because the Brotherhood's agenda was all about getting people like you to send me cash and alcohol, and because people like you have sent me cash and alcohol a total of 0 times (cheap bastards), I've decided to change this into a crappy personal page. Such is life. Anyway, if for whatever deeply depressing reason you're actually interested in my life, read on. Otherwise, click here to go to another page that I made which doesn't suck quite as bad as this...
Cliff(tm) Statistics
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 160lb.
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Birthdate: 04/21/79
Tattoos: Various crap I did while drunk on my arms, lower legs, and chest
Piercings: 3 nose (all left nostril), 13 ear (12 left, 1 right), 1 tongue, occasionally 1-2 eyebrow and lip, possibly others though I'm not writing about it here.
Work history and crap like that...
In middle school, and the beginning of high school, I made a little money off stupid little QBasic programs (real programmers are laughing at me now). Most of what I did was neat little screen saver things that could hold the attention of your average pothead for hours; though I did write a game called EduboB for my first high school. In EduboB you answered questions, and if you got them wrong then a stick figure named boB would die in some horribly disgusting way. They never paid me, but I got out of doing other stuff. Cheap bastards. I also did a lot of other crap on the side, including starting my own cult religion, and attempting to make people pay me 25 cents to look into an empty cardboard box with question marks on the side and a hole in the top (the magical box of wonders). Both of those schemes (and many others) failed miserably. The one thing that did get me money, though, was reading people's Tarot at malls. During my senior year in high school, the who I was dating started bitching at me about my lack of a real job. Before taking her side, let me point out that I was making about $100 a week of the Tarot thing, which was pretty much the same as what she was making with her "real" job, except that I was only working 3-4 hours a week. Anyway, I got so sick of her goddamned "when I was a senior in high school I had already had 6 real jobs" speech that I started applying to various places. Through some freak accident of the gods, I actually got temp work at a big corporate satan music store, where I had to remove 3 of my nose rings (I had 5 before I worked there, they didn't want me to have more than 2). After a month or so of fun questions, such as "Do you have that CD? You know, the one with that song they play on the radio?! How can you not know what I'm talking about?! You work in a goddamned music store, don't you?!!!" they scheduled me to open on New Year's morning and laid me off. In other words, they ordered me to wake up at 9:00 AM on the morning after New Year's Eve, walk an hour to work, work for 4 hours at $5 an hour before walking an hour home; knowing that I would lose my job regardless of my actions. This was something of an epiphany for me, I ended up calling them half an hour after I was supposed to be there to cheerfully invite them to piss off; and thus ending the only "real" job I've ever had. Shortly after this I became a webmaster, which like many people I failed at. However, I was far too stupid to just let it die, so I leached off everyone around me until I finally found something that worked. Now my money comes from Shaven Ferret Productions, my extremely low-brow humour page, and Cliff's Perl Script Collection, for all your CGI needs. Funny combination, no?
Pages you can blame me for
  • Yo-yoing: Yeah, maybe it is pathetic, but I spend hours a day yo-yoing. In case you're wondering, my favorite yo-yo is the Cold Fusion (if you have $150 to throw away, I highly recommend this yo-yo), and my favorite trick is a combination thing where I do splitting the atom into a braintwister into a couple around the worlds before catching the yo-yo on the string. Someday maybe I'll record this on my webcam and put it here, as it really does look neat, but I really don't have the time right now.
  • Juggling: large\heavy objects when sober, dangerous objects when drunk. Not too bright.
  • Bashing the French - No, I am not racist. In truth, I have nothing against the French, however, it's only a matter of time before it's politically incorrect to bash any nationality, so I figure I'd better get it out while most people still think that being French is wrong.
  • Pretending people I don't like are French, and saying things like "Why don't we find some Nazis to surrender to so that you can feel at home?". Being an asshole can be barrels of fun...
  • Getting real drunk and writing letters to large corporations demanding that they make me their king and stop everything they've been doing to begin working on my plan to build the world's largest paper maché chicken.
  • Verbally abusing small animals in a friendly voice. Heh, stupid dog...
Cartoons I like
  • The Simpsons - Possibly the only Fox show that kicks ass which they haven't canceled yet.
  • Earthworm Jim - Jim's voice is done by the guy who does Homer Simpson.
  • The Tick - Unfortunately, this is now only on at 3:30 AM on Saturday nights, but it still kicks ass.
  • Freakazoid - If it wasn't for the constant Jerry Lewis crap and the fact that there were only a dozen or so episodes, this would have been one of the greatest cartoon ever.
  • Æon Flux - In my opinion, this is the only thing MTV's ever done which does not warrant they're torturous deaths.
  • Space Ghost Coast to Coast\Ghost Planet - Brak kicks all ass.
  • Pinky and the Brain - this is on before I usually wake up, but it's a cool cartoon anyway.
NAQ (Never-Asked-Questions)
  • What does the tm in Cliff(tm) stand for? Is your name really a trademark?
    "The Mighty", ie: Cliff the Mighty. It's a joke. I'm really not that arrogant.
  • Do you have a ferret? Is he shaven?
    Yes, I have a ferret, no, he is not shaven; at least not now (my ex-girlfriend shaved him once. She was very abusive.) His name is Elmo.
  • I want to send you cash, alcohol, or other shiny objects that will make you smily. What's your snail mail address?
    49 East Cliveden Street
    Apartment 1B
    Philadelphia, PA
  • Aren't you a little old for cartoons and yo-yo's? I mean, what the hell is wrong with you?!
    Piss off.
  • Who does your tattoos and piercings?
    Except for my tongue, I've done it all. This is what happens when you have a high threshold for pain, a low sense of your body's worth, too much time on your hands, and lots of sharp metallic objects. The tongue was done by a giant biker guy named Bob, who told me slightly before doing it that he used to be a bouncer, but got too old, and wanted another career where he could inflict pain and make a decent living.
  • Do you really make a living off all the stupid humour pages?
    Not even close. I make a total of about $5 a day off them, just barely covering one third of rent. This is why I do the perl thing, which is boring as hell, but gets me enough money to stay alive.